Redeeming the Past
Rebecca on vacation, visiting the New England coast. (2020)
Barranquilla, Colombia is one of the largest cities and ports on the coast of the Caribbean Sea. The city is filled to the brim with people. If you walk along the streets you may find shops and stands selling anything from produce to trinkets. Sirens and car horns mix in among the loud music blaring from the shops and the shouting voices. This bustling city was Rebecca’s home for many years as a missionary kid.
As Rebecca recalls growing up she says, “I never felt physically safe.” Surrounded by the violence of kidnappings, guerrilla warfare, and abuse, she lived in fear daily. She had spent most of her adult life suppressing her fear and anxiety, trying to be stable enough to help others. “Even though I trusted in Jesus as my Lord and Savior at a young age and grew up in the church – I didn’t know true life in Christ.”
Eventually, her emotional trauma culminated into severe physical illness. Rebecca was admitted to the hospital for fifteen days, a few of which she spent in the Intensive Care Unit on a ventilator. The doctors concluded that Rebecca was suffering from Conversion Disorder—an illness where severe emotional stress results in physical symptoms. “At one point, I had only thirty-percent kidney function, and other parts of my body were not working well.” The emotional trauma of her past resulted in physical injuries.
Rebecca (left) and a few other ladies celebrating Resident’s as they graduate. (2020)
From eighteen years old, Rebecca knew she suffered from depression and anxiety. But later, she discovered that she also struggled with PTSD. Admitting how much help she needed was difficult for her—as she never truly understood that the things she experienced growing up were traumatic for her.
Rebecca never fully realized how much help she needed, nor even how to ask for help. For Rebecca, her heart was to serve others first, but she never took the time to reconcile her past experiences. Instead, she pushed on and continued loving others as best she could. “I was believing lies and thinking that I had to earn God’s love and the love of others.” In her mid-thirties, she found herself applying to His Mansion as a Servant Leader.
Unconditional love and understanding were not things Rebecca experienced growing up. Through friends, she would get glimpses of Christ’s love. However, when she arrived at His Mansion as a Servant Leader, Rebecca encountered unconditional love consistently for the first time in her life. The community at His Mansion showed her what it meant to have a personal relationship with Christ and helped her grow closer to Him. When it became apparent to the ministry team that Rebecca would benefit more from the Residential Recovery program, she was asked to join. Trusting in the Lord, she ended her time as a Servant Leader and returned a few months later for the Resident program. “To have left and tried life on my own would have taken me back down a destructive path,” said Rebecca.
“He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will abide in the shadow of the Almighty. I will say to the Lord. ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.’”
Rebecca and her friend Laura visiting the New England coast after being apart for several years. (2020)
Rebecca was ready to walk through her past to find the healing she needed. She finally started feeling safe and began a 16-month journey of moving closer to Christ. Her time at His Mansion was incredibly difficult as she addressed many painful issues from her past, but the whole time she knew, “There was no other place I would have wanted to be.” She realized that to lead a life helping others, she first had to come to terms with her suffering and strengthen her relationship with the Lord.
Since her time at His Mansion, Rebecca has gradually recovered from her trauma. Rebecca still struggles with physical and emotional pain every day. She still wrestles with fear but has learned to continually go to Jesus and knows that He walks with her daily. Just knowing who Jesus is and her identity in Him allows her to keep moving forward without dwelling on the past. “My identity and worth come from Him – He is my Rock—I’m called by name, and I am His. I am finding safety abiding in the shadow of the Almighty as it says in Psalm 91 and under His wings finding refuge.”
The work she did at His Mansion was both healing and exhausting. Rebecca is taking some time to get on her feet, working full-time. While she is unsure of the future, Rebecca is continually seeking the Lord and asking that He use this time to prepare her for whatever He has next.